why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
