Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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