Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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