If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
