you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
