there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
