but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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