Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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