Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
