the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
