My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
May the power of my ass compel you!!
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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