I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
