roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
