Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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