Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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