apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
