if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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