What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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