i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
