somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
50% drunk capacity currently
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
