Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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