were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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