Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
