this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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