I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
