Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
