She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
even my farts smell like vagina
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
