Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
