im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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