I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
