This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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