Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm too high and old for this...
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
