If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
