My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
