soooo we both peed the bed last night...
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
