Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
