Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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