My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
