loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
