Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I look better un-naked...
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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