Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
