I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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