We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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