the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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