My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
