Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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