and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
