I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
