Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
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