Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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