There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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