Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize