hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
