it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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