Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
