dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Houston, we have a blender
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm just crazy horny about you
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
