one two three fourrrrnication!
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
