I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
