so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
cat food counts as protein by the way
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
