found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
